Mysterious paths of change
How a wilderness training week turned into an underworld descent guided by loneliness
I am back from a wilderness training week, 7 days of living and playing in the woods. One of the reflections pulsating in me is:
“You will probably get what you really want, but not at all the way you imagine.”
Which is what today’s letter is about.
But first, let me share with you a couple of general facts and pics to describe the vibe.
The theme of the week was scouting. And we took it quite seriously. Exploring the forest on the stomach and knees. “Wow, that’s a radical shift of perspective.”
There was some training during the day, as you can see below. But the main action took place after sunset. “Where are we? Wait, I didn’t know I could see in the dark!”
I made fire with a bow drill for the first time, finally got my knots for setting up the tarp, and discovered my night senses. Which all felt like important initiations. But nothing that qualified as a transformative experience, which I had counted on.
I had a list in my mind of what those could be. Overcoming fear, getting physically exhausted through survival labour, a sense of deep communion with the group?
And then it came. In the form that wasn’t on my list. That felt annoyingly unfair and not fitting the occasion.
A feeling of intense loneliness. And separation.
There were almost twenty of us this time. Two groups: “my group” and “the other group”. As these groups went into the process of blending and bonding, the opposite started to happen for me.
Everyone was becoming “other”. And me being the only foreigner, not being able to express myself in German to the desired extent, having the fewest of practical skills, all of a sudden came to the forefront of my experience.
“But we are all here because we have a lot of things in common, right? We share something deeper than just those surface descriptions. We are connected.”
Somehow, these thoughts had no truth to them. My loneliness was taking me down, but I was expending the precious energy trying to splash myself up.
And then something grounding happened. I lost my knife - my truly intimate companion. That I owe truly transformative moments to.
Walking in the forest with it on my belt for the first time awoke ancient memories and let me step into a dramatically different identity.
I got it now. Descending into the underworld was my invitation from the universe. And loneliness was my guide.
As interesting or maybe even beautiful as it may sound, the experience was far from any of those.
I was retreating into my cocoon, observing how my universe and that of the people around me were moving more and more apart.
Mine was quiet, deep, and dark. Theirs was euphoric, loud, and bubbly. How could people sitting around one fire be in such different worlds?
An alien in a crowd of earthlings
A green sprout in a desert
A single leaf hanging on the winter tree
As I was trying on various masks of loneliness, it dawned on me then that in my human bitterness, I retreated into my skull and was drowning in the ocean of thoughts. Amidst the world of nature that was pulsing around me and calling to my senses.
“The soul path is often associated with the setting sun, the direction to our earthy roots, into the wildness of the soil and the soul, a journey into the underworld, a voyage into darkness or shadow as the apparent destination of the sun as it sinks below the western horizon.”
Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft
I hurried off to the trees, saying no to whatever was on the official menu. The trees were waiting for me. With hugs, space, acceptance, and love. Taking on my bitterness and loneliness and alchemising it into quiet, peaceful sadness.
Steps from the tree, I was greeted by a beautiful gift. Porcini mushrooms blinking at me from multiple spots.
Symbol of interconnectedness, and at the same time a very personal message reflecting my childhood experiences of foraging in the Soviet Union. Finding porcinis was like discovering a gold mine.
Later that day, after some more communion with the water, the sun, and the trees, I went back to the spot where I lost my knife.
I prayed by a fallen birch. “Let me look one more time and set the knife free as a gift to this forest and the trees as a small token of my love.”
And there it was - my knife, looking at me mischievously from a patch of moss.
“I am glad you accepted the invitation,” it seemed to say. “Let’s stay connected for a little longer. Maybe for life. Your life, anyway.”
When I came back, the experiences sprouted into more gifts. One of those was a book by Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft.
“The pull towards soul feels like an earthquake in the midst of your life. The journey of descent begins with a call to adventure, a stirring declaration from the depths, from the gods and goddesses, that it’s time to leave behind everything you thought your life was supposed to be.” Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft
I shared briefly my experience with a couple of people on the way home. Once home, I received a message from someone in the group asking how I felt and what the others could have done differently.
“Hmm, actually, I wouldn’t want it any other way, I realized. I am grateful for the journey. And my underworld descent was helped by those in the upperworld. So, everyone accepted their own invitation, it seems. And were there for each other, even if in ways unfathomable.”
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This is a beautiful story. So glad that recording our episode has helped you to process these reflections😍.